accurate
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My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
As per my last nervous breakdown
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!