You Might Also Like
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
sigh
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.