Accurate
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Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
rapatouille
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
for all #parents out there
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber