Accurate
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I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
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My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
The chart results are in…