Accurate
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*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
i prefer mine room temperature.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.