Accurate
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Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
That’s enough internet for the day
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.