Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
no regrets
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”