Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.