Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

they really wanted me dead for this

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

Hamburger Hinderer.

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

Hotels are back

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.