Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
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All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
This seems like peak sibling energy
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood