I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.