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@bornmiserable

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

@reccastle

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

@realfunghi

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

@PoshTick

[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime

@tiffanyaneal

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

@OtherDanOBrien

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

@djdarrellripley

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

@EllaZee5

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

@skedaddle74

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.