Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.