Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now