Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
#Caturday
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Give a baker flours on your first date.