ACED my prostate exam!
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As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
