ACED my prostate exam!
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The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
This is a bad sign
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse