ACED my prostate exam!
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
where’s Godzilla when we need him
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up