Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

[5am]

Cat: *retching in the hallway*

Me: *tired moan*

My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

never ask a starfish for directions

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus