Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10![]()
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Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
This is enough internet for the day.
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“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.