Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
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Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
How do you milk an almond?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”