Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

Probably my best painting.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Always…

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out