Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
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Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
