Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.

I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

The pasta is now

The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

Waiting for the Charmin