they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
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I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Guy [beating me up for making a joke at an inappropriate time]: whos funny now you piece of shit
Me: wait, you thought i was funny before?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
After buying toilet paper at Walgreens, the cashier said, “you’ll need your receipt.” I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared in my life…