Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
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pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism