ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
You Might Also Like
found a horse’s reddit account
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.