Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

#ThisMakesMeLaugh

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.