Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.