ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
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Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.