ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
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You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Cndnsd Mlk
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons