Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

also my go-to takeaway order

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that