acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Me checking my bank balance online.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
The most important meal of the day is the next one
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.