Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

Huge if true.

What do you text your spouse?

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it