Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.