ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
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if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
*updates tinder bio*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?