ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
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If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Monday?
No. Next question.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
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when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
These aren’t even hard anymore.