Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

When you have to use a public restroom.

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life

iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.