Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.