Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
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You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
shit just got real
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
