Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

doing your own taxes

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward