ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.