ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
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Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still