ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
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*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I hope it’s French Onion!
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As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.