Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes

Smile Twitter, Smile.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

I hope it’s French Onion!

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.