Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
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Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those