Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables