Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

You might just have to resign…

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Doug is just Canadian for dog

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

This is a sub tweet

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.