Acronyms got me like WTF?
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Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Every
Single
Year
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.