Acronyms got me like WTF?
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The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun