@Jandalize

Acronyms got me like WTF?

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@JohnLyonTweets

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

@vladchoc

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

@mattgallo123

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

@HumanPog

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

@IamEveryDayPpl

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

@EndhooS

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

@thenatewolf

Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don’t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.