Acronyms got me like WTF?

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This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!


Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.


ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.


Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.


dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why


17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*


“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.


Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.


Ambulance is spelled backwards on the front so when you look in your rearview mirror you don’t confuse it with the other giant siren cubes.