Acronyms got me like WTF?
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Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough