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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.


[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain


I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party


Taking a shot every time someone in this zoom sales meeting said the word “enable” seemed like a fun idea until everyone in my department died of alcohol poisoning


God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!


Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!


*I take out the car keys*

Him: Where are you going?

Me: Who knows? I’m a wild creature that can’t be tamed, I could end up anywhere




Me: Walgreens.


[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me


*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract


Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.