ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Perfect
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Who says great literature is dead?
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time