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@JizzIam

I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.

@JohnLyonTweets

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

@MissHavisham

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

@AComicTragedy

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

@FredTaming

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

@CakeThrottle

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

@JohnLyonTweets

[police lineup]

Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”

Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”

@ShittyComedian

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

@wolfmannjr

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding