Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao