Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

“You’ve got something in your teeth”

Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.