Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.