Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

United Steaks of America

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing