Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

weddings should have a worst man

Children really brighten up a home.

They never turn the lights off…

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

thanksgiving in nutshell

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.