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You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.