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My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Based Erika
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
There’s only one good girl here!
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.