Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Seek kebab; not attention

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables