Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

God has abandoned us.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.