Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
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Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back