Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An odd boast

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

shakira sharkira

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

Well, this is awkward

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

A wise man once said nothing.