Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

Body by Oreos

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate