*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.