Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
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doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I think they could have phrased this better
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
This guy’s not having it 😆
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it