Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
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when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
An odd boast
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”