Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
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My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Cause of death: Zumba
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.