Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
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If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
every college guy’s fridge
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?