Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

why can’t i explore the dentist’s mouth too

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.