Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
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I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.