Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

(Electricians.)

Kentucky names the shit out of places

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons