Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

Still my favourite meme.

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.