Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*