Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

Thank you 🥹

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

I’m confused about plants

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.