Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
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Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
(True)
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
