Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!