Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
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Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Ugh but profoundly
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Awesome parenting 😂
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most