Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
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My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
True statement👍😏😁
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga