Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
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[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
me watching my own Instagram story
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.