Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
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*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?