Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

#ParentingFacts

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim