Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

i want it utterly assaulted.

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.