Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
no one likes gloating
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Terribly Tuesday.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out